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(We cut backstage to find Evenkiel attempting to leave by one of the backstage doors. However, he is unable to as it is mysteriously locked.)
Evenkiel: A futile attempt Mr. Cain.
(Evenkiel leaves looking for another exit. He finds one, only to find it blocked by both Scourge and the Paladin, arms folded, faces stern, and clearly not planning on budging.)
Evenkiel: This is ridiculous.
(Evenkiel storms off in search of another way out. As he does, he marches right past none other than Comedy and Tragedy, The Thespian Express. Comedy is patting Tragedy on the shoulder trying to get his attention, much to Tragedy's chagrin.)
Tragedy: What is it now, you fat freak?
Comedy: I thought you said we got a wrestling gig tonight, Trag. I look up at the sign and it says "Night Of The Living Dead". HEE HEE HEE!!!!
Tragedy: That is because, you idiot, this is the name of the show we are competing at tonight. You remember when Nik Cain called us?
Comedy: Yeah! He said "You guys aren't doing anything important. Why not show up to FCW Arena?" I didn't know he was in charge of a movie theater now though. HEE HEE!!! That's just weird. But good for Nik. I'm happy he's become an entrepreneur. HEE HEE HEE!!!
Tragedy: No, he doesn't own a movie theater. We ARE here to wrestle, dopey. In fact we're wrestling The Nightmare Express, a team who've had many classic feuds with in the FCW.
Comedy: Bad Warrior and Dream Dreams? HEE HEE!!! Those guys are our bitches! They're like the Rock and Roll Express to our Midnight Express!! HEE HEE!!!
Tragedy: Gee, like we've never used THAT comparison in our feud with them.
Comedy: I think Bad Warrior is Ricky Morton under a mask. He always did suck.
Tragedy: I guess that makes you Dennis Condrey under a mask. Because he's fat and sucks, and so do you. But no we're not here to compare ourselves to wrestlers from 20 years ago. We're here to compare ourselves with our opponents.
Comedy: I weigh as much as them combined. HEE HEE HEE!!!
Tragedy: And have the weekly heart attacks to prove it. No no, we are truly honored to be fighting here tonight in the premier tag team match of the evening. It means a lot to us that Nik Cain thought so highly of us that he brought us here over a number of other quality teams to take part in this match. I am truly delighted to be fighting here this evening.
Comedy: And I'm truly delighted to get some free catered food. HEE HEE HEE!!!
Tragedy: Right. And we know The Dream Coach and his guys are as ready for this match up as we are. In fact, we're going to be extra prepared as we will be having the lovely Rhapsody in our corner for this one. Just in case the Coach decides to interfere once too much. But in my opinion, it's not really a matter of the winners of this match earning the right to be called the best tag team in FCW history. I see it more as what could be the final nail in one of the longest-standing tag team feuds that the wrestling world has ever seen. And my only hope is that afterwards, The Nightmare Express will shake out hands.
Comedy: I even promise not to squish you guys too much. We need you to stand so you can shake our hands. HEE HEE HEE!!!
Tragedy: Comedy, you seem to be rhyming an awful lot. Oh...don't tell me...
Comedy: That's right Trag! I've been working on one of my patented FCW raps!!! HEE HEE!!!
Tragedy: Screw that. I'm leaving.
(Tragedy exits stage right.)
Comedy: Your loss, buddy. Now let's KICK IT!!!!
(Generic hip-hop begins to blare from a boombox, as Comedy break out a baseball cap which he promptly puts sideways on his masked head.)
Yo Yo Yo, this is the Big C comin' atcha!
And I'm here to deliver a big batch a'
PAIN! Pain is the word I'm thinkin'
Thinkin' the Nightmare Express should be drinkin'
A whole heaping tub of Gatorade
Or else they're going to be needing a ton of first aid.
(Comedy begins to dance, much to the horror of the crowd.)
That no-good Dream Coach be trippin'
If he thinks his team has a chance of winnin'.
Against the Thespians, his team's always sucked,
And we came away winning the big bucks.
The Nightmare Express are a couple of bores,
Which is why I plan on delivering to them a few Encores.
(Comedy starts to swivel his hips.)
You may remember me from my FCW life,
Or from my show "My Big Fat Greek Wife".
Either way, you know that The Thespian Express are for real,
And not a couple of undercard bums, ya feel?
I'm out here with the force of a Mack truck,
Because quite honestly, The Nightmare Express SUCKS!!!
(Comedy starts to do the cabbage patch.)
For tonight is the Night Of The Living Dead,
And Tragedy and myself plan on being ahead.
Because in the ring against us, no one can compare,
Since all The Dream Coach does is spout hot air.
This evening, the ref is gonna raise our hands,
As we celebrate kicking Nightmare Express ass in front of our fans.
Thank you, good night!!!
(We hear the sound of one man clapping. As Comedy waddles away we see that its some sort of janitor who, after he slowly stops clapping, picks up his mop and gets back to work. We cut back to the arena.)
Nik Cain: Allow me to apologize for letting a white man rap on my show but, in my defense, he is so fat I thought it was a distinct possibility that he’d swallowed a black man whole and a further possibility that said black man had some skills on the mic. In any event, we are about to see four men who damn sure have skills in the ring. The Nightmare Express and The Thespian Express are hands down the two most talented teams in FCW history and were both here from the very beginning so its very fitting that they be here now to go at it one last time.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a time limit of one hour.
Introducing first…
Let to the ring by Rhapsody…
At a total combined weight of 742 pounds…
The Thespian Express
(“The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats plays as the trio of Comedy, Tragedy, and Rhapsody make their way to the ring.)
And their opponents…
Let to the ring by the Dream Coach…
At a total combined weight of 514 pounds…
The Nightmare Express
(The theme from Halloween plays as the five time FCW Tag Team Champions make their way to the ring. The Dream Coach jaws with the fans but his team walks behind him exhibiting no emotion, though it would be hard to tell what they were feeling with the featureless masks they both wear.)
Nik Cain: It looks like it will be Dream Warrior starting things off against Tragedy.
They lock up.
Dream Warrior punches Tragedy.
Tragedy chops Dream Warrior.
Tragedy chops Dream Warrior.
Tragedy hits Dream Warrior with a kick to the midsection.
Tragedy takes Dream Warrior down with an ezuigiri.
Tragedy goes for an armbar but Dream Warrior blocks it.
Bad Dreams enters the ring to make it two-on-one.
Bad Dreams executes an inverted power bomb on Tragedy.
Dream Warrior nails Tragedy with a leg drop to the back of the head.
Bad Dreams exits the ring.
Nik Cain: Nice double team work by the Nightmare Express.
Dream Warrior takes Tragedy down with an overhead head and arm suplex.
Dream Warrior goes for an Aztecan suplex but Tragedy blocks it.
Dream Warrior whips Tragedy into the ropes.
Tragedy nails Dream Warrior with an Asai leg lariat.
Dream Warrior tags out to Bad Dreams.
Tragedy goes for a clothesline but Bad Dreams ducks out of the way.
Bad Dreams executes a cobra clutch suplex on Tragedy.
Dream Warrior enters the ring to make it two-on-one.
Dream Warrior hits Tragedy with a rocker dropper.
Bad Dreams executes a wheel barrow suplex on Tragedy.
Comedy enters the ring and throws Dream Warrior to the floor.
Comedy hits Bad Dreams with a full nelson suplex.
Nik Cain: Comedy has seen enough.
Tragedy climbs to the top rope.
Tragedy hits Bad Dreams with a missile dropkick.
Comedy leaves the ring.
Tragedy goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, shoulder up.
Tragedy throws Bad Dreams out of the ring.
Tragedy jumps onto Bad Dreams with a tope suicida.
The crowd cheers.
Nik Cain: Three years ago I called Tragedy the best high flyer in the business and tonight he doesn’t seem to have lost a step.
Dick Palmer counts one.
Dream Warrior hits Tragedy with a clothesline.
Bad Dreams and Dream Warrior nail Tragedy with a double DDT.
Dick Palmer counts two.
Bad Dreams rolls Tragedy back into the ring.
Bad Dreams reenters the ring.
Bad Dreams tags out to Dream Warrior.
Nik Cain: That double DDT on the concrete has really got Tragedy reeling.
Dream Warrior nails Tragedy with a flying somersault neckbreaker.
Dream Warrior takes Tragedy down with a running Liger Bomb.
Dream Warrior goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, shoulder up.
Dream Warrior nails Tragedy with a jumping DDT.
Dream Warrior climbs to the top rope.
Dream Warrior goes for a 450 splash but Tragedy rolls out of the way.
Tragedy makes the tag to Comedy.
A small “Please don’t rap” chant can be heard.
Nik Cain: Tragedy makes a much-needed tag.
Comedy takes Dream Warrior down with a Jackhammer.
Bad Dreams enters the ring.
Comedy nails Bad Dreams with an inverted Death Valley Driver.
Bad Dreams rolls out of the ring.
Nik Cain: Comedy is manhandling both members of the Nightmare Express…a feat not too many people can pull off at all, let alone for very long.
Comedy hits Dream Warrior with a Doctor Bomb.
The Dream Coach jumps up on the apron.
Comedy “runs” into the ropes.
The Dream Coach hits Comedy with the clipboard.
Dick Palmer sees it and disqualifies the Nightmare Express.
The crowd chants “Let them fight”.
The winners are The Thespian Express. Time of match: 03:20.
Nik Cain: What the fuck?
(The crowd continues to boo or demand the teams be allowed to continue. Nik Cain enters the ring and quickly starts to chew Dick Palmer out. In a matter of a few seconds, Cain is leaving and Palmer is instructing the time keeper’s table to ring the bell to restart the match.)
Nik Cain: No fucking way am I letting this match end like that. Comedy didn’t even feel that gnat hit him in the back. Dicky boy should know better than that.
The crowd cheers.
Comedy punches Dream Warrior.
Comedy punches Dream Warror.
Comedy goes for a discus punch but Dream Warrior ducks out of the way.
Dream Warrior hits Comedy with a dropkick to the knee.
Dream Warrior takes Comedy down with a rocker dropper.
Nik Cain: Helen Keller could have seen that punch coming.
Dream Warrior makes the tag to Bad Dreams.
Dream Warrior and Bad Dreams hit Comedy with a double back suplex.
The crowd starts a “Holy shit” chant.
Nik Cain: They get the big man over. And I do mean big…Comedy is well over the 500 pound mark.
Dream Warrior leaves the ring.
Bad Dreams hits Comedy with a DDT into a front face lock.
Tragedy enters the ring and kicks Bad Dreams.
Tragedy leaves the ring.
Comedy takes Bad Dreams down with a clothesline.
Comedy tags in Tragedy.
Tragedy hangs Bad Dreams in the tree of woe.
Tragedy charges in with a basement dropkick.
Comedy charges in with a butt bump.
Nik Cain: Finally the Thespians are able to take advantage of the two-on-one a little.
Comedy leaves the ring.
Tragedy climbs to the top rope.
Tragedy hits Bad Dreams with a flying crossbody press.
Tragedy goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, kickout.
Tragedy executes a Northern Lights suplex on Bad Dreams.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, kickout.
Nik Cain: A pair of near falls for Tragedy but Bad Dreams and his partner are still in this thing.
Tragedy whips Bad Dreams into the ropes but Bad Dreams reverses it.
Bad Dreams nails Tragedy with a Sky High.
Bad Dreams tags out to Dream Warrior.
Dream Warrior nails Tragedy with a Viagra Driver.
Dream Warrior goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, kickout.
Dream Warrior hits Tragedy with a hangman’s powerbomb.
Dream Warrior executes the Bad Night’s Sleep on Tragedy.
Dream Warrior goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, Tragedy gets his foot on the rope.
Nik Cain: The only thing that kept that from being a perfect Bad Night’s Sleep was that it was too close to the ropes. Still, Tragedy is in some serious trouble.
Dream Warrior tries to whip Tragedy into the turnbuckle but Tragedy reverses it.
Tragedy takes Dream Warrior down with a flatliner legsweep.
Tragedy tries to make the tag but Bad Dreams enters the ring and cuts him off.
Bad Dreams and Dream Warrior nail Tragedy with a double gut buster.
Bad Dreams leaves the ring.
Nik Cain: The Nightmare Express will cut the other side of the ring off as if its got gangrene.
Dream Warrior goes for an Aztecan suplex but Tragedy blocks it.
Dream Warrior throws Tragedy out of the ring.
Dream Warrior tags out to Bad Dreams.
Dick Palmer counts one.
Dick Palmer counts two.
Dick Palmer counts three.
Tragedy reenters the ring.
Bad Dreams locks Tragedy in a double chickenwing submission.
Tragedy is writhing in pain.
Comedy enters the ring and breaks the hold after 12 seconds with a kick to the groin.
Dick Palmer warns Comedy.
Nik Cain: Well that got the job done.
Comedy leaves the ring.
Tragedy takes Bad Dreams down with a belly-to-back suplex.
Tragedy executes a piledriver on Bad Dreams.
Tragedy makes the tag to Comedy.
Comedy laughs hysterically.
The crowd starts a “Comedy” chant.
Comedy executes a piledriver on Bad Dreams.
Comedy nails Bad Dreams with a leg drop.
Nik Cain: Tragedy makes the tag and Bad Dreams eats a second piledriver and a leg the size of his torso.
Comedy knocks Dream Warrior off the ring apron.
Comedy takes Bad Dreams down with a powerslam.
Comedy climbs the ropes and sits on the top turnbuckle.
Tragedy tags himself in.
Tragedy climbs up onto Comedy’s shoulders.
Tragedy executes the Final Curtain on Bad Dreams.
The crowd starts a “Holy shit” chant.
Tragedy goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, Dream Warrior makes the save.
Nik Cain: Tragedy gets some added elevation on that Final Curtain, but Dream Warrior makes the save.
Tragedy takes Bad Dreams down with an inside cradle.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, kickout.
Tragedy takes Bad Dreams down with a victory roll.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, shoulder up.
Tragedy whips Bad Dreams into the ropes but Bad Dreams reverses it.
Bad Dreams nails Tragedy with a koppo kick.
Bad Dreams takes Tragedy down with a short lariat.
Bad Dreams takes Tragedy down with a short lariat.
Bad Dreams sets Tragedy up on the top rope.
Bad Dreams executes a top rope gutbuster on Tragedy.
Bad Dreams goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, thr…kickout!
The crowd cheers.
Nik Cain: Nice top rope maneuver by Bad Dreams but Tragedy kicks out just in the nick of time.
Bad Dreams tags out to Dream Warrior.
Dream Warrior executes a sunset flip on Tragedy.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, shoulder up.
Dream Warrior takes Tragedy down with a jumping DDT.
Dream Warrior sets Tragedy up on the top rope.
Dream Warrior executes a top rope splash mountain on Tragedy.
Dream Warrior goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, thr…kickout!
The crowd cheers.
Nik Cain: Déjà vu all over again.
Tragedy nails Dream Warrior with an enzuigiri.
Tragedy takes Dream Warrior down with a spinwheel kick.
Tragedy goes for a Northern Lights suplex but Dream Warrior counters with a DDT.
Dream Warrior tags in Bad Dreams.
Bad Dreams and Dream Warrior execute the Insomnia From Hell on Tragedy.
Bad Dreams goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, Comedy can’t make it in time…three.
The crowd cheers.
The winners are The Nightmare Express. Time of match: 12:15.
Nik Cain: Insomnia From Hell and this one is all over. The Nightmare Express are the team to earn the bragging rights here tonight. They did an excellent job of cutting the ring in half…and it didn’t hurt that Comedy seemed to be completely gassed after about thirty seconds in the ring. And, as great a competitor as Tragedy is, no man is going to beat The Nightmare Express single handedly.
(With the match over, Tragedy, true to his word, extends his hand towards Bad Dreams. Dreams looks out to the Dream Coach who shrugs as if to say “Hey, this one’s up to you”. He looks like he is about to leave but reconsiders and accepts, shaking Tragedy’s hand in the middle of the ring. Tragedy then walks over to Dream Warrior and they too shake hands. Comedy quickly waddles over with outstretched arms threatening to hug both men but they quickly hold up their arms up to stop him. Stopped dead in his tracks, he hangs his head dejectedly. But both men offer their hands and he settles for shaking both. While this has been going on inside the ring, Rhapsody has scurried around the ring and has come up behind the Dream Coach. In dramatic fashion she juts her arm out and it takes him a couple seconds to sense her behind him. With a somewhat bewildered expression he puts his arm out, receiving a brisk handshake and a very unexpected congratulatory slap on the ass. The crowd applauds the show of good sportsmanship in the ring and gets a good laugh out of what just happened outside it. The two teams, having made their peace, go their separate ways.)
Nik Cain: That kind of sportsmanship is always good to see.