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(Our scene opens in black and white on an empty wrestling ring. We hear a woman’s voice.)
(As the line is spoken, we cut to various parts of the FCW arena. The aisles, the seats, parts of the backstage area, all inter-cut with shots of the ring from different angles. We hear a man’s voice.)
(This is followed by a much deeper male voice.)
(The final shot we get is of the entrance doors from the inside looking out. On this shot, we slowly fade to color as “Skinwalkers” by 12 Step Rebels begins to play. We cut to shots from earlier today outside the arena as a small army of FCW fans wait to be let in. As the song really starts to get going, these shots are inter-cut with shots of the various FCW stars in action. In one particularly memorable sequence, we keep seeing fans proudly displaying vintage t-shirts for various wrestlers each immediately followed by shots of that wrestler executing a few of their signature moves. After a couple minutes of highlights, the song fades out and only the whispering voice of the lead vocalist can be heard.)
NiGHT
of the
LiViNG DEAD
(As the music starts back up for one last part, we cut to a live shot of the FCW Arena now full to the brim with all those fans. As the music ends we continue to pan the crowd for about a minute with nothing but the deafening noise of their cheers as a soundtrack. As we finally cut to a shot of the ring we see a familiar man already in the ring wearing a pair of purple tights, green boots, and a green and purple mask. He somewhat resembles a giant eggplant. The announcer struggles to be heard over the still cheering crowd.)
Our opening contest is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit.
Introducing first…
Fighting out of Syracuse, New York…
And weighing in at 216 pounds…
Vegan Warrior
(Vegan Warrior is met with what would best be described as jeers as well as a small but audible “You’re a jobber” chant. “La Grange” by ZZ Top begins to play as Vegan Warrior’s opponent makes his way to the ring.)
And his opponent…
Hailing from Deep in the Heart of Texas…
And weighing in at 313 pounds…
”Big” Tex
(The crowd is quickly on Tex, starting a rousing “You got fat” chant.)
They lock up.
Tex punches Vegan Warrior.
Tex punches Vegan Warrior.
Tex takes Vegan Warrior down with a discus punch.
Nik Cain: Greetings and salutations everyone, this is Nik Cain welcoming you to Night of the Living Dead. I will be your master of ceremonies for the evening, though this crowd is already doing my job for me. As they so eloquently pointed out, “Big” Tex is bigger than ever, having put on a considerable amount of weight in the last few years…none of it being muscle.
Tex whips Vegan Warrior into the ropes.
Tex takes Vegan Warrior down with a big boot.
Tex hits Vegan Warrior with a legdrop.
The crowd chants, “You’re a jobber”.
Nik Cain: Some of you may be wondering why I invited these two…shall we be politically correct and say enhancement talents to the show. Well, hell, they were both on board from day one, took plenty of beatings and have very little to show for it. So I figured it was the least I could do.
Tex hits Vegan Warrior with a series of punches.Nik Cain: Tex easily kicks out.
Vegan Warrior hits Tex with a palm blow.
A small “You’re a pussy” chant can be heard.
Vegan Warrior hits Tex with a dropkick.
Vegan Warrior hits Tex with a dropkick.
Vegan Warrior executes a kick to the midsection.
Vegan Warrior tries to execute the Soy Bomb on Tex but he cannot lift him up.
Tex hits Vegan Warrior with a back body drop.
Nik Cain: Vegan Warrior can’t quite lift Tex up…I wonder if it’s because of a lack of protein in his diet.
Vegan Warrior hits Tex with a drop toehold into the turnbuckle.Nik Cain: Man, that flying beef saucer is all the distraction Tex needed to nearly decapitate Vegan Warrior.
Tex goes for the pin.
Dick Palmer counts one, two, three.
The crowd chants, “You still suck”.
The winner is Tex. Time of match: 02:50.
Nik Cain: And this one is over. Tex is your winner. I guess when the one thing you’ve ever been good at is clubbing clotheslines to the back of the head, putting on some excess pounds really won’t affect your performance all that much.
(Vegan Warrior has left the ring but Tex continues to celebrate his win as two giant penises lower from the ceiling. Wanting no part of whatever is about to occur, Tex hightails it out of the ring. As a woman who looks like an older and, shall we say, homelier version of Nelly Frutado enters the ring, the giant penis on her left unfurls like a flower. We see a thong, and a tattoo across the ass that reads: "Seacrest IN". The camera pans back and, sure enough, its FCW favorite midget, Quackman. The second penis unfurls to reveal FCW’s second favorite midget, Gary Coleman wearing his old security guard uniform.)
Quacks: Am I turnin you off?
Gary: Nope.
Quacks: Didn’t think so.
Gary: How you doin’ young homo
That feelin’ that you givin’ really makes my pants get tightly
You don’t haveta play about the match
I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke
Quacks: Looking for a gay that’ll treat you right
You lookin’ for him to be tied down right
Gary: You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night
Quacks: You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it
Gary: All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem is that a ring on your penis?
I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent
Quacks: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
The only planet I want to be lost in is Uranus.
Both: Promiscuous gay
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want
N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?
Both: Promiscuous gay
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need
Quacks: Promiscuous gay
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?
Quacks: Roses are red
My balls are blue
Your career is dead
But you're still kinda cute
Gary: Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Here I'm at masturbating to you, do you mind if I cum too?
Quacks: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you naked do you think that you can handle it?
Gary: They call me Gary
last name Coleman
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down
Quacks: I'm a big gay I can handle myself
But if I get lonely Ima need your 3 inches
Pay attention to me, I want to go black and never come back.
Gary: I want you on my team.
Quacks: So does everybody else.
Gary: Baby we can keep it on the low
We can fog up my Pinto ain’t nobody gotta know
If you with it gay I know an ally we can go
Quacks: What kind of gay do you take me for?
Gary: Don't be mad, don't get mean.
Quacks: Don't get mad, don't be mean.
Gary: Hey! Don't be mad, don't get mean.
Quacks: Don't get mad, don't be mean.
Gary: Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you without that thong on
Quacks: I can see you with nothing on
feeling on me before you bend over and bring that 3 inches on
Gary: Bend me over?!
Quacks: You know what I mean.
Gary: Quacks, I’m a freak you shouldn't say those things.
Quacks: I’m only trying to get inside your ass
To see if you can work me the way you say
Gary: It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like
Quacks Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash
Both: Promiscuous Gay
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And its you that I want
N: Promiscuous boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait
Both: Promiscuous gay
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need
N: Promiscuous boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more
(With their duet over, Quacks and Gary along with “N” leave to what we’ll call a mixed reaction from the crowd. Nik Cain gets in the ring, mic in hand, and a scowl on his face.)
Nik Cain: How dare you interrupt my show like that! I have half a mind to…
(At this point Nik Cain sees the ring crew desperately trying to remove the giant penis flowers from the ring and can no longer control himself. He bursts into laughter. It takes him several moments to compose himself.)
Oh come on, it just wouldn’t have been an FCW reunion without Quacks doing…whatever the hell it is he does. FCW was always about great wrestling but it was also about letting our talent have the freedom to express themselves in just about any way they saw fit. We do have a night of great wrestling ahead of us but, before we proceed, I feel the need to address a few people not in attendance tonight.
First of all, I want to talk about two names that some people were hoping to see tonight, Most Holy and Tom Tennant. Both men were in fact in FCW and both are among the best this sport has ever produced. But, let’s be honest, when you hear the name Most Holy, you think of AGW where he was recently, and rightfully, awarded the title of greatest wrestler in that organization’s lengthy history. And, I don’t know about you, but when I think of The Survivor, I immediately think of TEW. We gave them a run for their money on a few nights, but that has got to be the most violent organization in the history of American wrestling. And, to be fair, he’s had a lot of success in a lot of places but was only in FCW for a few months. So, no, it didn’t really feel right to have them here on a night where we are celebrating FCW and the men who truly made it what it was. However, I…and all of you, owe both of those men a debt of thanks. When FCW started it was comprised of primarily rookies, unknowns, and guys wrongly written off as “career midcarders”. Holy and Tennant, along with Mark Payne, gave this upstart fed “star power”, names that people readily recognized and wanted to watch. And neither coasted on name recognition, as Holy became FCW’s first ever World Champ and Tennant would go on to capture the crown just prior to exiting the organization. So, while I did not feel this evening was about them, let’s face it, this evening wouldn’t have been possible without them. So, Mostest, Survivor, thanks for being there in the beginning.
(The crowd applauds both of these wrestling legends.)
Next, I have to address Samson. He is the one man I really wanted to have here tonight who was unreachable and therefore not in attendance. When people talk about FCW “icons” they rarely mention Samson and some have gone so far as to refer to him as a “transitional champion” and little more. So, let me spell this out for you. That man didn’t have a gimmick. His past really was that troubled; his life really was that hard. He gave a hundred percent every time out and bled this business. As much as anyone in this building tonight or on this planet, Samson was the embodiment of Full Contact Wrestling. I do not know where that man is tonight and I hope that his past has not caught up with him. He is not here in body, that’s for sure, so keep him in mind so that he can be here in spirit.
(The crowd cheers again, this time a little louder.)
Last, but certainly not least, James Crawford, the father of FCW. He gave a two-time loser like me a chance to be the voice of the best damn wrestling promotion ever to come into existence. He gave a list of unknowns a chance to be stars. He took stars and gave them a platform to take their careers to the next level. He gave each and every fan three years of exciting television and memorable live events. From the day he first walked into this business until the day he was basically pushed out of it, that man made wrestling a better place. More than anyone else, this night is about him. He is not here tonight but I hope someone can sit him down and force him to watch the DVD when it comes out so he can hear me give him the most heartfelt thank you I can. Jim, we are all here tonight because of you.
(As Nik Cain exits the ring and returns to the announce table, the crowd breaks out into a loud “Thank you, Jim” chant that continues for several seconds.)